Photos of my boys COURTESY OF CHRIS NELSON
It's so unlike me to take this long of a break from my blog. But, like everybody, I sometimes lose motivation and "can't find the time". If time is ever of the essence, SADLY, my blog comes last. I love doing it so therefore I make it a priority but because of the holidays and the many demands of my other business, my creative brain, has been on hiatus. I usually have so many ideas seeping our my pours that I can't type fast enough to keep up with them.
My boys have been living off of avocado and brown rice sushi rolls, kale chips, raw vegan ice cream, green smoothies, pasta with red sauce, cereal, and some steamed egg yolks for the past 2-3 weeks. Oh and I can't forget to mention the holiday junk that has somehow made it into their mouths.
When things get crazy, I get less and less healthy. It's a vicious cycle but one we can all relate to. Am I wrong?
I have spent the past few weeks cleaning up the holiday mess, taking care of my little silly kids, meanwhile trying to attend as many of the holiday functions as possible, and if there is any time left I have been helping a sick friend of mine.
So anyways, I have a few thoughts I'd like to share with everybody.
I feel like the word BALANCE has come up quite a bit these past few months. And I definitely have an opinion on this matter.
There is a book in my bathroom right now, on the floor, by Matthew Kelly called Off Balance, getting beyond the work-life balance myth. I haven't read it yet but the title made something click inside my head. Like DUH! No wonder I haven't found it.
I think there is this facade that we will someday actually find balance in our lives. Like there is a tipping point where suddenly, you're BALANCED!? As if "healthy" or "successful" people have it all figured out. And they somehow found the perfect balance in their lives. And that's why they are healthy or successful.
And prior to having this "ahha" moment I think I was doing anything and everything to find this balance point. Where my life would be EASIER. Somehow I would find the perfect way of juggling babies, mommy hood, running a successful food business, writing for my blog, being a nice "wife" and having some ME time {with friends or yoga or walks on the beach} all the while making my mark on this planet - fulfilling my so-called purpose? Wait, really? Let me say that out loud…I thought I could actually balance those things? YEAH RIGHT.
Well, this preconceived notion had me left feeling like a failure. Because my life is so chaotic. I half ass every sector of my life. So nothing ever feels complete and perfect. Everything feels sort of lacking.
And so somehow I am left with random expectations that I can't seem to live up to. Expectations that I made up in my head and keep me always feeling bad about myself. Doesn't sound very logical or smart, does it?
Well, what if I decided to not have those expectations. To accept that everyday will be chaos and there will always be hurdles and bumps in the road. Hey, now, I can come home and feel like I am NOT a failure. Like life is perfect in an imperfect way. Could it be that simple?
These past few weeks have been eye opening for me. After a super strong, enlightened, loving/caring, RAW VEGAN single mom friend of mine went to the hospital for basically anxiety/depression/stress, I realized that although finding that perfect balance is impossible, I see the value in not being too serious or focused on one thing, even if it is your passion or your faith or your job!
A) We are too hard on ourselves. B) We see struggle as failure. C) We have a hard time seeing outside that bubble we live in. And finally D) There is an element of FEAR in everybody's goals. Afraid of screwing up. Or dying. Or not living life right.
I know I wouldn't have any sort of sanity if I didn't have friends, family and loved ones who keep me AWAKE to the world outside of my everyday bubble. My everyday insanity. As a boss, as a mom, as a business owner, as a workaholic, as an athlete or even as a nun or priest, whatever it is your put all your energy into, all your dreams and your passions --- there needs to be something to balance it with. Like a quick reality check.
Surrounding yourself with only those that seem perfect or are the SAME as you can be uplifting and reaffirming but can potentially be brining you down.
When I live in my raw food or vegan bubble or even my bubble at home around my two kids, I can get very critical. I become obsessive and try and find perfection. And then once I hit that mark it's not perfect anymore. I constantly strive to be better. And therefore more critical and more FEARFUL.
It's important to befriend those who are different. Those who aren't in your "bubble" per se because not only do they make you a stronger and wiser and more accepting person but those "healthy" relationships will bring us down to reality. Make us take a deep breath and realize we are OKAY. We are like everybody else, maybe even doing a better job in some areas of life. A natural dose of prozac.
Once I step outside and talk to others, have a drink, a discussion or a meal with others, I see that I am not only doing a great job but others struggle with the same stuff.
- You mean my kids aren't the only ones that throw tantrums? Or bite?
I thought I was a bad mom, because the action is so bad I can't imagine others having this same problem?
- I'm feeling bad that I literally wanted to either take 2 shots of tequila right now or throw my kids in their rooms for the entire night?
But, I also just reread an article about how toxic alcohol is and how it causes cancer. Now I feel bad about that. Real raw foodists and vegans don't drink alcohol. I'm failing at this health food thing.
- We don't EAT sugar.
- My kids don't have time outs.
- I'm a bad parent if I don't take my child to the doctor when he has a fever.
- I won't have a babysitter because my child cries when we leave. I am abandoning him.
- I don't eat pasta. It's not raw.
- I am a VEGAN.
- I am a raw foodist.
- I am an entrepreneur.
- I created PUREmamas, I can't give my kids any junk or I'm a hypocrite.
- There are so many starving children in the world and I just bought a pair of jimmy choos.
- I'm feeling bad that I ate cooked noodles with red sauce instead of spiralized zucchini.
I just read on a raw food blog today how bad pasta is because it's cooked. I know better. I have no self control or will power and I don't have time. But time is not an excuse.
- I do yoga.
- We are "green".
- I am a good Christian, I don't do that.
- If I choose to do that I am not serving God.
- All these other companies are thriving right now. Doubling their business this year. I can't sit here and play with my kids, I need to be working.
{note: these thoughts are random examples, not thoughts that go through my head or are true to my life}
Our thoughts can be destructive and mean, causing fear and instilling failure. Our thoughts become statements that start to define us and we suddenly need to fit into those roles that we gave ourselves. Mainly because we want to find meaning in our lives and we want to define ourselves and identify with a group or a purpose.
This is normal.
And this can be somewhat healthy. UNTIL it becomes an obsession and creates unrealistic expectations that we seem to need to live up to. It then instills failure into our brains. It can consume and control our every thought and action.
Instead we should see ourselves as beings human and exactly as the SAME as those who seem so different.
We NEED friends or acquaintances to remind us that we aren't bad or doing things wrong. We need friends and neighbors to laugh with. Life is just crazy and funny and perplexing. There is no RIGHT and no wrong. Right/Wrong is a matter of opinion and/or created by our own minds and traditions.
Not to mention, it's okay to screw up, to fall off your path. You only grow and learn from mistakes. And so we can look back and find perfection in all that went wrong because it will only make that next job better.
Some of the most successful peopled "FAILED" like 10 time before they finally succeeded.
Striving for perfection and living in a bubble can cause serious health problems. I don't care what you eat or drink everyday, if you're feeling imperfect, sad, anxious, upset all day everyday you can't reach optimal health and you'll eventually get sick anyways.
Some of the heaviest drinkers and smokers never get cancer and live until they are 95.
I often find that LAUGHTER is the best medicine of all. It keeps us mentally happy and sane. I don't want to say "F it" and not care about our planet anymore or not care about my health and children or goals and passions just because "we could die at any moment" but we definitely are too harsh on ourselves, our partners and children because of these expectations.
I often envy those that feel no guilt, have no empathy and never have to say sorry. I wish I could just brush everything off, move on when things aren't perfect and not care. I overly care about who I am, what I do and how I affect people.
I read a book recently though that talks about LIFE and death in a very spiritual way. There is a section in there about parenting. I loved this chapter because it explained to me that we often try and protect our children, keep them from seeing things or doing things that might hurt them, either emotionally or physically. But in the end it's that protection that is actually hurting them. No child will ever grow to be an EMPATHETIC, enlightened, spiritual, deeply loving and understanding adult if they feel no pain. It's the pain in our lives here on earth that develop our souls in that way. It's our job to instruction them through those times and be there for them but not to prevent those events from happening.
This post might seem scattered because I'm talking about a lot of things in one sitting but my point is, if we are going to try and find balance, I think we need to balance the obsessions and passions with some light heartedness.
Leaving my kids behind with a loving adult and going out with my friends is the BEST prevention when it comes to being mentally stable and sane. It means I'm a good mom, to recognize that I NEED help. I need time to gather myself so I don't take it out on my children.
If a glass of wine, as toxic as it might be for us, helps keep you sane and happy but doesn't control your life, PLEASE indulge.
Again, take all the vitamins you want to stay healthy but no vitamin will protect you from being hit by the vitamin truck. Is that how the saying goes?
Set goals you can REACH. That will bring you a sense of accomplishment. Focus on those things you DO do well. Just don't obsess. Afterall, we have enough people judging us everyday, why waste energy judging ourselves? Instead LAUGH about your flaws. Laugh about others' flaws.
LAUGH UNTIL YOUR STOMACH HURTS.
Joy and laughter truly can prevent and reverse an unhappy self.
Emily
So true. Cheers to being gentle on ourselves and seeking true simple happiness (rather than perfection).
Ellen Heidel
Juli - this is just beautiful. And I'm sure a bit 'freeing' to write. Reality, humanity, perspective...very wise words written above and I am thankful to have read them :o) xoxo
Jodi
I love every second of this. I need to read this every day as a reminder. Can't say enough about this message. Thank you for sharing this!!
Lucabella
Thank you for sharing, it is so refreshing to read this, its raw and authentic. Exactly what I needed to read right now.
Happy New Year, and thank you again, for this post and your entire blog!
Rene
Excellent post.... Especially for the new year! I printed it so I can read it over and over again. Thank you so much for posting. One of the best blog posts I have EVER read!
Linda Wagner - Nutrition to Invigorate Mind, Body
This was a fantastic post! Very REAL. I think we all struggle with being "prefect". One lesson I learned in 2011 was that there is no such thing. You just do the best you can, be kind to others, love your family, and use the information you have to help others. That's all you can do! Sharing this experience will really help others, thank you so much for sharing!
Bel
This is an excellent post and thank you for sharing so honestly. I struggle with guilt about being perfect all the time and I have a new mantra "GOOD ENOUGH IS THE NEW PERFECT". Happy New Year to you and keep up the amazing work.
erica dunsford
this is just what I needed! .......thank you for sharing. Wonder-fully honest and it`s so nice to have someone else put it in front of you so you can see that we all share in the same pressures of life. «peace and harmony in the new year!!
Wes
Awesome post Jul's! Thanks for sharing this with the universe!!
Angie
Juli, this was so great. I'm sharing it on my blog and I'm printing it out to review often. I feel like I'm always caught between being good enough, striving to be better, comparing myself to others and just saying F*#* it! So many things in here resonates with me. Thanks for sharing:)
Heidi
thanks juls for sharing. i've been tooling over similar thoughts these past weeks. it was nice to hear it expressed so authentically and from loving voice.
Tamar
Juli,
I love this post and have been meaning to comment. A long time ago someone wise told me to give up the idea that we have to have perfectly "balanced" lives day in and day out - that really that doesn't exist. But, that life, over time, is balanced in and of itself. There are times to be very focused on family or your work or your health or something else, and sometimes one of those things just takes precedence over another - and that is okay. With the caveat that people are always the most important, I have remembered this a lot throughout my life - whenever I feel like I'm working too much or not enough, or feeling isolated or too social, etc. It helps for me to put it in perspective. Over time, life is balanced, even though in a given moment it doesn't appear to be this way.
Thank you for your post - and also I love today's about eating greens! I do the same thing with some quick blanched kale and collards and a yummy quick sauce - I like to eat TONS of it and I can when it's quick blanched and it leaves me with the best feeling.
sdBrun
I COMPLETELY agree with you saying we need to befriend those who are different from us. SO SO TRUE!! I have friends like our family who are green and eat the same as us (raw/vegan/ wheat free) which is great because you feel you can relate in that aspect. Then I have friends whose family is different is many ways, and to be honest, that helps reel me back down to reality when I feel my strict eating habits for my son are getting a little too.....green...and strict LOL. They ARE kids, it's ok for them to have a babycake's cupcake (or two) or Karma Kookie (Or 4!) and not think "Oh my god, I'm weakening his immune system!". The added stress of worrying about that weakens my OWN immune system :). Balance is KEY. This is a great post you wrote. Our kids (and us) need love, shelter and food. If we are happy, they will follow. Green juices make me happy 🙂
Juli Novotny
SdBrun,
OMG, you said exactly what I was trying to say. You get it! thanks for saying so.